viatorius | → riverview

what?

[ And here he thought he was the one being broken up with. Without even thinking about it, John focuses his powers on Clarice, bending his head to get her location, his senses zeroing in on her and where she is, what she’s doing. He gets barely a flash but it sends his pulse flying, and he’s out of his own dorm in an instant.

He sprints up the stairs from his floor, all the way up to Clarice’s, and doesn’t even knock and he barges in, panting slightly. She’s here, looking at her phone, and John strides right to her bed, dropping to a crouch in front of her. ]

Why would you think I want to break up with you, Clarice?

( She hasn't even been able to come up with a reply by the time her dorm room opens up with a bang. Clarice looks up, expecting one of her roommates, surprise crashing over her face. Zingo woofs from where she's being cuddled, but stays at the head of the bed when Clarice swinging her legs over the edge of her bed just as John kneels down beside her. )

Uh, because I pretty much threw myself at you when you'd said we should wait? ( She looks tired, stressed. Looking down at her lap, Clarice fiddles with the tie on her hoodie. ) I've been trying so hard, okay? I know you want to wait, I didn't mean to --. ( A sigh. ) But even if I was kinda high that doesn't mean I don't want you. Which is disrespectful and you've probably had enough of me and my creepy drama.

Creepy drama? Clarice, I -

[ He takes a deep breath at the words that suddenly threaten to burst out, and then finds out that he doesn’t want to not say it. He swallows, and then: ]

I love you. There’s nothing creepy about you, or what happened. I wanted to wait because I wanted to be sure that we’re both on the same page, that you know I’m not only interested in sex. That I’m all in. And I’m all in, okay? I want you, so bad it aches, and I thought I ruined things, the other night. I thought you’d be the one to break up with me, because I was an asshole.

[ The words come out in a rush, a blush staining his cheeks as he keeps going, unable to stop now that he started. When he stops, he’s panting harder. ]

I wanted to wait in case you realized you didn’t actually want me, once you got the chance to know me better. I don’t want you to have regrets.

That's so stupid.

( It's blurted out, disbelief clear on her face. Her pulse is thudding erratically, and something has gone tight inside of her chest. He loves her. He wants her, Clarice bites her lip, desperate to find a way to express herself. ) I know you. If that's all you wanted there've been plenty of times you could have just had it.

( There's colour on her cheeks, but she has to say it. John could have taken advantage countless times. But all he's ever done is care for her, and while they've had a difficult run of it she knows she's safe with him. )

I'm really fucking bad at this, okay? ( It needs to be said. ) I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to deal with all these feelings. I don't know how to be open and honest, and I just --. ( Clenching her fists. ) I think I could fall in love with you. ( She's not ready to say it yet, but she needs him to know how deep she is in this. ) But I'm so bad at this.

( Dragging a nail over her knuckles. She's not Sonia, who seemed to embody being sweet and supportive. ) I just want to be around you. All the time. I want to tell you things. I want to hold your hand, and I want to kiss you, and I really, really want to have sex with you. But it isn't a fling, so I feel kind of -- unprepared. Dumb.

[ Surging closer, John moves to his knees properly, his hands on either side of hers on the small bed. ]

I don’t care. I don’t care that you’re bad at this. You think I’m good? I haven’t dated since high school. Not properly.

[ Sonya may have wanted what she did, but they didn’t date. Not really. It was a completely different dynamic, and it wasn’t one where there was dinners and flowers.]

And obviously, I screw up too. It’s not the first time and I don’t expect it to be the last, but I want all this, too. I want - I want to be yours, and you to be mine. And I really, really want to have sex with you, too. But not just that.

[ He pauses, licking his lips when he looks down for a second. ]

I want everything.

( There are a billion ways in which this thing they have could go wrong. She could mess up somehow, or he could, or something outside of their little bubble might come crashing down and destroy everything. But Clarice thinks she'd give it her all anyway.

Lord knows they've started out difficult, maybe that's just who they are.

It doesn't mean she has to give up on it. )

You know, you're the only person who looks at me without making me want to hide, right? It's not just --. ( A wave of her hand. She looks different. She always has. ) It's like, I talk to you and it feels like you've been there my whole life. I feel like myself, when I'm with you. And I know I'm complicated, and sarcastic, and I hate emotions, but I want to try whenever you're around.

( Lifting her gaze, finally. )

I want us to be together, I want -- I want to tell people you're my boyfriend, and accept all the weird romance parts of this place because I can share them with you. I want to stop pretending I'm not yours completely. That I wouldn't do anything to be with you. I just want to be me with you.

[ John licks his bottom lip as he moves his hands to rest against the outside the her thighs. ]

Remember that fight we had? Where you told me about the Brotherhood, and told me you felt safe?

[ Not his finest moment, but he’d been so upset. ]

I was so angry then because I wanted you then, and I wanted you to feel safe with me, and it was a completely selfish reaction. Because I wanted you to tell me everything back then already. I wanted you to trust me, despite everything I did beforehand. I was already completely gone on you, even if I didn’t want to admit it.

[ He shrugs. ]

Point is when I say I’m all in, I’m all in. I’ve been wanting to be your boyfriend since the moment I’ve looked at you for the time. [ A smile, and he looks up at Clarice. ] I don’t ever want you to hide. You’re way too beautiful for that.

I want to be your girlfriend.

( It comes out on a sigh, but there's nothing but truth in her tone. Clarice wants to be with John, she thinks she has for a long time now. Even before Sonja put those memories in her head, she'd known he was attractive. And then she'd found out he was strong, kind, caring. That there was something about his smile that took her breath away, that made her want to keep it on his face.

For all she teases him, it's just that, something playful to get under his skin. )

I was just scared I'd messed it up.

( Helpless. ) I just -- I don't know. Getting to be with you, hold your hand, date like normal people. It's been amazing, and I thought I'd ruined it. I haven't actually been busy. ( Mouth twisting. ) I just didn't want to lose you.

[ The smile he gives her in answer is a little teasing, definitely amused. ]

Word of advice: avoiding me doesn’t help, either. And I thought I’d ruined it, too. So. We both learn from it, and we move on.

[ He reaches out, tucking some hair behind her ear, sliding his fingers along the shell of it, to the top again, like he did weeks ago, when they’d first discussed dating. He’d been so excited then, but also so scared, and now? Now he just feels... serene, in a way. Sure of himself. Of Clarice. ]

C’mere. [ Pulling her off her bed, to his lap. ]

Yeah, well. Modus operandi. ( Running away is her thing. She wishes it weren't. She just isn't sure how to change it, especially when she's scared ) I'll try harder, okay?

( The shiver his touch against the shell of her ear elicits is obvious, Clarice's eyelashes fluttering as she breathes in. This time she doesn't try to hide the way her expression is full of want. He pulls her down to him and she goes easily, winding her arms around his neck and curling her fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck. )

I don't think I even acted this hopeless when I was a teenager and hormones were supposed to be crazy. You just -- I don't know, you make me want the stuff I thought I didn't.

[ Oh, how he can relate to that. He’s spent years telling himself he didn’t want all of this, the romance, the relationships, the fear and the worry, all of it a hindrance rather than a good thing. But seeing Lorna and Marcos, seeing the Struckers, meeting Clarice... it had changed all that. Made him think differently. ]

You and I, were not so different. I also thought I didn’t want these things. I told myself, time and again, that I didn’t. And yet here I am. Because I can’t - I cant bear being away from you.

[ Sure, he said I love you, now. But he might have said it too early, before she was ready. He’ll be more patient from now on. Patience is something he’s good at. ]

I even miss the base, because I could always find you. ( And she's exasperated by this. She knows it's silly. How desperately had she wanted privacy before, only to hate the amount of space it puts between them. John had always been right there, and Clarice knows it's something hypocritical, considering how she's been hiding, but she misses him something fierce.

Her fingers brush his fringe away from his eyes, her own moving fitfully over his face. It feels like she's fit to burst most of the time, some strange and new feeling expanding inside of her. She doesn't know how to voice it, let alone acknowledge it. )

I've been trying so hard to be normal, to do this how people are meant to. But you make me feel greedy, okay? I want everything. I want to have everything with you.

Well, here’s the thing. I’ve been trying to do the same thing, but turns out? I have no idea how to do that. How to be normal. And that’s okay, because neither you nor I are.

[ His voice is soft, impossibly so, lined with all sorts of emotions he’s failing to keep in check. ]

You are not normal, Clarice. You are exceptional, and that’s the only way I should ever treat you.

( Clarice can't stop herself, she surges forward to press her mouth to his, a desperate kiss that she's been feeling for weeks, maybe months. Her hands move until they're more fully fisted into his hair, mouth alternating between hard and soft, chasing his when they part to breathe, but trying to soak the whole thing in just how she feels.

She can't say it yet, but her body loves him. It's clear in the way she presses closer, thighs tight against his, hands holding on. Her hips press down, a gasp lighting up her veins. Finally they're on the same page, want and need and affection out in the open. When she breaks away she presses her forehead against his, voice weak. )

I really wish we didn't live in dorms right now.

[ He’s not surprised by the kiss, had been expecting it, but the strength of the feelings behind it is what catches him, the way Clarice pushes ever closer, like she can’t get enough. It makes his heart swell as he kisses her back, arms looped around her waist, a hand sprayer large and solid on her back, the other flirting with the waistband of her jeans, with resting fully on her ass. He wants, he wants, he wants, but it’s all over too soon, the two of them panting against each other’s lips when Clarice pulls away.

He doesn’t want to wait anymore. He wants all of her, unconditional and unashamed, he wants her in his life and in his bed and when he wakes up in the morning. These conditions, right now, feel unacceptable. ]

I’ve been looking at apartments, but I haven’t found one yet. But - yeah. So do I.

[ His voice is rough, full of want. ]

( Anywhere else and she wouldn't be talking. She'd be helping him out of his clothes and proving her want through actions. All Clarice needs is to feel his hands on her, to lose herself in the heat of him, to finally find her place. The longing is so severe it feels like she'll go mad with it. )

Move in with me.

( It's sudden, and she knows it comes across as awkward. Her green eyes are wide and startled, but then Clarice takes a breath to steady herself, making sure he hears her and believes her when she speaks next. )

Move in with me. I hate this. I hate not being near you, and I know it's soon and we're probably going super fast, but what's the point having two places when we could have one? ( Her heart is thudding, she's not sure how she'd feel if he says no. Clarice just needs to be brave. ) Zingo misses you, I miss you.

( She can't run away either, not if they live together. )

[ Now That, that takes him by surprise. But Clarice has always been bold, more in touch with her feelings than he was, more willing to try them out for size than he was back at the Underground, but she spooked easily, while John remained in place. He took more time, but once he was there, that was it, for him.

So the offer surprises him, but maybe it shouldn’t. Maybe this is exactly what is in their path, and John wants nothing more but to embrace it. Technically, they lived together before, but he knows what she’s asking is entirely different, and it’s everything that he wants. He doesn’t want privacy from Clarice, doesn’t need it. What he wants is her, in his space, burrowing under his skin and never letting go. So his answer comes easy. ]

Yeah. Yeah, let’s do it. It might not be the smartest idea and we might be going too fast, but you know what? I don’t want to be away from you, either. We’re used to sharing. So let’s do it.

Yeah?

( Her bright eyes feel wet, she hopes it isn't obvious. )

Who cares about smart? We're literally from a place where this - ( She waves a hand between the two of them. ) This isn't allowed. We'd get run out within a week, you know we would. But here, we could have that. An apartment, a dog, arguing over who does the dishes. ( There's a real desperation in her voice, and for now Clarice doesn't try to hide it. ) I want that so badly. I want a couch where we can listen to music together, and a table where we eat breakfast, and a bed. Christ, a bed.

( Damply. ) I want what everyone else gets. And I want it with you.

I want to give it to you. I want you to have it, back home, and here too. You should be able to have anything you want.

[ It isn’t fair that she can’t, at home. That she got arrested for needing food. Because she wouldn’t find a job. It isn’t fair, when she’s so brilliant. ]

Some of the apartments I’ve seen were nice, actually. It felt like I wouldn’t know what to do with them, but maybe you’d like one. We can go look together. Do the boring normal couple thing of apartment-shopping. Yeah?

( Her huff of laughter is almost disbelieving but the smile on her face is real. )

Yeah.

( Clarice kisses him again, cupping his face with her hands. )

I want that. Like, so bad. We could live in a box and I wouldn't care, because it's our box. ( Stroking her thumb over his cheekbone. ) Except, here we can actually find and afford somewhere properly, so no boxes. A bath though. A bath and a bed and a door that looks.

( Her eyebrow arches just so. It's very clear where her priorities lie. )

You can make a list of what you require.

[ He doesn’t care. A box would be all he needs. He’d take the Underground again, the bank and its drafts and its books and crannies. As long as there’s a room for them to be in, together. ]

Honestly?

( She bites her bottom lip, trying to weigh up how honest she should be. In the end, she figures that's the best policy. )

Just you.

[ John groans, a hand curling around the back of Clarice’s neck, pulling her into another kiss, hungry and desperate. His stomach clenches, and he forces himself to pull away, hating that he has to. ]

I should go. Before I can’t stop myself and get us both into trouble.

( A weak noise, and Clarice is collapsing her forehead against his shoulder. )

You know, I'm pretty sure everyone things my mutation is amphibian based because of how much time I spend in the goddamn shower. This sexual frustration is getting me a reputation.

( She wants to be bold, which is why she's no longer pretending otherwise. She wants him to know just how she feels.

But he's right, and Clarice pulls herself away, levers her body back onto her bunk, mouth swollen. ) Okay, okay. I'm okay. Are you okay?

[ Her words just make him groan again, imagining exactly what that looks like, and that he could, maybe sometime soon, join her in said shower. It’s almost too much to even consider. The privacy, the space, the two of them free to do whatever.

But then she’s pushing off and John bites his bottom lip, clenching his fingers around emptiness. ]

I will be. I’ll be okay.

[ He’s also going to have to spend some time in a long shower again but damn, it’ll worth it in the long run. He forces himself to stand, but leans in for another kiss, because he can and because he doesn’t want not to. ]

I’ll call around tomorrow, get us some viewing for apartments. No time like the present, right?

[ He kisses her again, and then kisses the tip of her nose, before he’s off, forcing himself not to turn back around. ]

→ riverview - ic contact.

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